Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friday, December 3, 2010
Christmas Package
Acquire a clean box. Cardboard is preferable, though boxes that once contained corrosive materials or animal products should be avoided. The damage done to yourself through contact with a box whose former purpose was transportation of dangerous chemical substances isn't worth the risk. Likewise, the risk of damage done to the olfactory system of your friends, let alone your own reputation, caused by the donning of a damp box that contained pieces of dismembered fauna, is not something to be taken lightly.
Remove the top flaps from a large cardboard box (the one mentioned previously) so the top of the box will be open. Removal of flaps should in no way interfere with your social life. Make sure you do not choose removal of top flaps over 'grabbing a bite to eat' with a friend or acquaintance. If you begin to suspect that removing the top flaps will create friction between you and your loved ones, DO NOT CONTINUE. There are rumored to be things worse than yearly Thanksgiving dinner gripes about your choice of 'top flap removal' over being present for dad's last moments on Earth, but they are unsubstantiated.
Once you have removed the top flaps, dispose of them. They are of no use to you any longer, like your Thanksgiving dinner appetite. Continue by cutting a hole in the bottom of the box large enough for your head to fit through. The explanation as to why the hole for your head is cut into the bottom of the box will be forthcoming. Do not panic. Do not scan the beginning of these instructions in confusion, thinking you've made a mistake. Breathe deeply and count to ten. Continue reading.
It should be noted at this point that you may flip the box over halfway, resulting in a configuration where the hole for your head is now on top of the box. Once you are composed enough from this dramatic shift, continue by cutting two holes on opposite sides of the box, large enough for your arms to fit through and for the box to rest on top of your shoulders. There should now be three holes in the box. The side of the box you previously eviscerated by removing the top flaps does NOT count as a hole.
Now it is time for your mettle to be tested. Prepare your plan of attack. You are a tiger, a brilliant gleaming creature. A diamond of hard, blind instinct. If you must, imagine yourself in mastery over the box, stalking it quietly for hours before attacking it with mighty claws, messengers of your will. You alter its very essence with mere thought, easy decisions. You feel no remorse, no pity for your choices. Simple gestures made by you in the course of one lazy afternoon powerfully and irrevocably change the trajectory of your prey's existence.
Begin decorating the box with gift wrap and ribbon.
Taping pieces of ribbon to the center of a small paper plate, punch a hole on each side of the plate. Thread a piece of ribbon through the holes. By now you are beyond being in a dizzy rage, a blood lust. Every sinew of your body is rippling in harmony against the carcass of the box, its death singeing your nostrils.
Wear the plate on your head as the bow on top of the package. Slip the box over your head. Rotate the box so the arm holes are on either side of you, not in front and behind you. Bring your arms through the holes you cut out of the sides of the box. You carved these holes, violating the box, creating places where your arms shouldn't be able to penetrate. Feel the new skin you've taken as your own, stolen and hard-fought. The box and you are now one, inseparable, complete.
Remove the top flaps from a large cardboard box (the one mentioned previously) so the top of the box will be open. Removal of flaps should in no way interfere with your social life. Make sure you do not choose removal of top flaps over 'grabbing a bite to eat' with a friend or acquaintance. If you begin to suspect that removing the top flaps will create friction between you and your loved ones, DO NOT CONTINUE. There are rumored to be things worse than yearly Thanksgiving dinner gripes about your choice of 'top flap removal' over being present for dad's last moments on Earth, but they are unsubstantiated.
Once you have removed the top flaps, dispose of them. They are of no use to you any longer, like your Thanksgiving dinner appetite. Continue by cutting a hole in the bottom of the box large enough for your head to fit through. The explanation as to why the hole for your head is cut into the bottom of the box will be forthcoming. Do not panic. Do not scan the beginning of these instructions in confusion, thinking you've made a mistake. Breathe deeply and count to ten. Continue reading.
It should be noted at this point that you may flip the box over halfway, resulting in a configuration where the hole for your head is now on top of the box. Once you are composed enough from this dramatic shift, continue by cutting two holes on opposite sides of the box, large enough for your arms to fit through and for the box to rest on top of your shoulders. There should now be three holes in the box. The side of the box you previously eviscerated by removing the top flaps does NOT count as a hole.
Now it is time for your mettle to be tested. Prepare your plan of attack. You are a tiger, a brilliant gleaming creature. A diamond of hard, blind instinct. If you must, imagine yourself in mastery over the box, stalking it quietly for hours before attacking it with mighty claws, messengers of your will. You alter its very essence with mere thought, easy decisions. You feel no remorse, no pity for your choices. Simple gestures made by you in the course of one lazy afternoon powerfully and irrevocably change the trajectory of your prey's existence.
Begin decorating the box with gift wrap and ribbon.
Taping pieces of ribbon to the center of a small paper plate, punch a hole on each side of the plate. Thread a piece of ribbon through the holes. By now you are beyond being in a dizzy rage, a blood lust. Every sinew of your body is rippling in harmony against the carcass of the box, its death singeing your nostrils.
Wear the plate on your head as the bow on top of the package. Slip the box over your head. Rotate the box so the arm holes are on either side of you, not in front and behind you. Bring your arms through the holes you cut out of the sides of the box. You carved these holes, violating the box, creating places where your arms shouldn't be able to penetrate. Feel the new skin you've taken as your own, stolen and hard-fought. The box and you are now one, inseparable, complete.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Kevin.
Draw a Pilgrim boy from the waist up on a piece of poster board. Color with markers.
Cut out the boy, as shown, making a long tab. Fold at the dotted lines so he will stand.
Name him Kevin. Who is Kevin?
It doesn't matter.
Let Kevin enter your home.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Pumpkin Puppet
Cut two pieces of orange construction paper about 8 inches square. Staple them together on three sides with a stem at the top. Leave one side open.
To make the face, cut out and glue on eyes, a nose, and a mouth from paper.
Place your hand into the opened endto work the puppet. Make up spooky stories.
..........................
Caution: your pumpkin puppet may look innocent enough to you, but you have no idea what other people see when they look into its face, for it is the Beast.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Bright Yellow Duck
This duck doesn't swim, but it's still lots of fun!You will need: white bag, yellow paint, newspaper, string, masking tape, scissors, construction paper, glue, markers.
1. Paint the bag and let it dry. Fill it halfway with newspaper. Gather and tie it with a string above the filled part. Fill the rest of the bag with newspaper. Tape it closed.
2. Cut out wings, feet, eyes, feathers, and a beak from paper. Glue them on. Add details with markers. Does your duck look evil?
More ideas:
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