Christmas Package

Acquire a clean box. Cardboard is preferable, though boxes that once contained corrosive materials or animal products should be avoided. The damage done to yourself through contact with a box whose former purpose was transportation of dangerous chemical substances isn't worth the risk. Likewise, the risk of damage done to the olfactory system of your friends, let alone your own reputation, caused by the donning of a damp box that contained pieces of dismembered fauna, is not something to be taken lightly.

Remove the top flaps from a large cardboard box (the one mentioned previously) so the top of the box will be open. Removal of flaps should in no way interfere with your social life. Make sure you do not choose removal of top flaps over 'grabbing a bite to eat' with a friend or acquaintance. If you begin to suspect that removing the top flaps will create friction between you and your loved ones, DO NOT CONTINUE. There are rumored to be things worse than yearly Thanksgiving dinner gripes about your choice of 'top flap removal' over being present for dad's last moments on Earth, but they are unsubstantiated.

Once you have removed the top flaps, dispose of them. They are of no use to you any longer, like your Thanksgiving dinner appetite. Continue by cutting a hole in the bottom of the box large enough for your head to fit through. The explanation as to why the hole for your head is cut into the bottom of the box will be forthcoming. Do not panic. Do not scan the beginning of these instructions in confusion, thinking you've made a mistake. Breathe deeply and count to ten. Continue reading.

It should be noted at this point that you may flip the box over halfway, resulting in a configuration where the hole for your head is now on top of the box. Once you are composed enough from this dramatic shift, continue by cutting two holes on opposite sides of the box, large enough for your arms to fit through and for the box to rest on top of your shoulders. There should now be three holes in the box. The side of the box you previously eviscerated by removing the top flaps does NOT count as a hole.

Now it is time for your mettle to be tested. Prepare your plan of attack. You are a tiger, a brilliant gleaming creature. A diamond of hard, blind instinct. If you must, imagine yourself in mastery over the box, stalking it quietly for hours before attacking it with mighty claws, messengers of your will. You alter its very essence with mere thought, easy decisions. You feel no remorse, no pity for your choices. Simple gestures made by you in the course of one lazy afternoon powerfully and irrevocably change the trajectory of your prey's existence.

Begin decorating the box with gift wrap and ribbon.

Taping pieces of ribbon to the center of a small paper plate, punch a hole on each side of the plate. Thread a piece of ribbon through the holes. By now you are beyond being in a dizzy rage, a blood lust. Every sinew of your body is rippling in harmony against the carcass of the box, its death singeing your nostrils.

Wear the plate on your head as the bow on top of the package. Slip the box over your head. Rotate the box so the arm holes are on either side of you, not in front and behind you. Bring your arms through the holes you cut out of the sides of the box. You carved these holes, violating the box, creating places where your arms shouldn't be able to penetrate. Feel the new skin you've taken as your own, stolen and hard-fought. The box and you are now one, inseparable, complete.

Find legs.

Kevin.

Draw a Pilgrim boy from the waist up on a piece of poster board. Color with markers.

Cut out the boy, as shown, making a long tab. Fold at the dotted lines so he will stand.

Name him Kevin. Who is Kevin?

It doesn't matter.

Let Kevin enter your home.

Pumpkin Puppet

Cut two pieces of orange construction paper about 8 inches square. Staple them together on three sides with a stem at the top. Leave one side open.

To make the face, cut out and glue on eyes, a nose, and a mouth from paper.

Place your hand into the opened endto work the puppet. Make up spooky stories.

..........................

Caution: your pumpkin puppet may look innocent enough to you, but you have no idea what other people see when they look into its face, for it is the Beast.

Boo!

Bright Yellow Duck

This duck doesn't swim, but it's still lots of fun!

You will need: white bag, yellow paint, newspaper, string, masking tape, scissors, construction paper, glue, markers.


1. Paint the bag and let it dry. Fill it halfway with newspaper. Gather and tie it with a string above the filled part. Fill the rest of the bag with newspaper. Tape it closed.

2. Cut out wings, feet, eyes, feathers, and a beak from paper. Glue them on. Add details with markers. Does your duck look evil?

More ideas:

Rollero Game

Perfect for Aryan children!

(two bathroom tissue tubes, construction paper, plastic drinking straw)

1. Cover two bathroom tissue tubes with glue and construction paper. Let dry.

2. With a pencil, mark of 1/2 inches along each tube. Cut the tubes at the 1 1/2-inch marks. Decorate the tubes with stripes of different-colored paper for each player.

Or take it seriously.

3. Set a starting point and a finish line on the table or floor. Race to the finish line by blowing through a plastic drinking straw to move your Rollero along.

Do NOT use stirring straws.

"Mammy" Pot Holder

Indian Wall Portraits

Learn about the Indians while making art!







Glue walnut halves in the center of ovals cut from construction paper. Why walunts?

Right...

Paint features on walnuts for Indian maiden or brave, add yarn hair, bits of feathers, glue with real Indian tears!

For a frame, glue on a second oval. Make it classy and display your art alongside the other art you cherish.

Branch Goblins

Paint a small branch a bright color. Cut a head from a double thickness of heavy paper & glue outer part of head pieces together. Color your head using paint and/or pieces of pasted paper. Slip the head on the branch and glue in place. Color the face. Done.

See the amazing final results in the image below, you lazy f***!

Look, everybody! The Green Goblin!

White on White

Working with white on white is a very different experience, unless you're from West Virginia. Collect white odds and ends like cotton balls to eggshells (unwashed - because egg whites are safe because they're white).

Examine your "piles of whites." Can you see how different one white can be from another? Who needs different colors when there's enough variety in white? Talk to others about the texture and reflective surfaces of whites. Write to Mel Gibson and applaud his personal viewpoint on white versus color. Better yet, send him one of these white creations!

To create your white art, use glue (white, of course) and secure your whites to white trays. Make a white supremicist say "That's the good'nest picture i ever seen!" with your white on white art.

Edgar Winter

Yarn Hair Wig

Note: you will need a crochet hook for this craft.

1. pull a knee-high stocking inside out, over your hair. Tie a knot close to your head in the extra part of the stocking.Take off the stocking and turn it right-side out. Stretch the stocking over a large beverage container, say, a bottle of Jack. Start getting in the right frame of mind.

2. Cut pieces of yarn 16 to 20 inches long. Hold a small pinch of stocking in your fingers. Gently poke a crochet hook through the stocking. Place a piece of yarn on the hook and pull it through the hole. Tie knot in the yarn.

3. Continue to cover the stocking with pieces of yarn.

4. Walk around saying "I'm Axl Rose. Turn around bitch I got a use for you."


5. Alienate your friends.

Cabbage Centerpieces

A cabbage head with a Cub Scout cap and neckerchief makes an effective centerpiece! Add gum drop eyes, ears and mouth. Then, during dinner, sit back and appreciate the uncomfortable expressions on the faces of your guests as they stare at your creative Cabbage Centerpiece staring back at them.

Another option is placing a toothpick through an orange, and sticking the orange on the cabbage head. Slice a second orange and place one slice on the top of the first orange as a hat! Discard rest of second orange. Use cloves as eyes, nose and mouth. Puncture cabbage with long multiple voodoo pins. Your guests will nervously wonder which one of them the voodoo cabbage is supposed to be. Don't tell!

Welcome to Crafts & Sundries, a place to find your inner muse
and explore the world of creativity.




All crafts found herein depict the attitudes of another time and place. Do they ever!