Flying Witch

From Bernadette Cutler:

FLY a cut-paper witch this October or place her on your hand for a novel paper puppet. Fold from a nine-by-twelve-inch piece of black paper as follows:

Crease paper vertically and overlap two top corners so their center point falls on the vertical fold line. Glue overlapping parts together. Then insert neck of cutout head in a slit, cut near the point of "cape." Glue on other cutout details such as legs, arms, brooms, and so forth. Notice this witch's "flying hairdo."

No, Ms. Cutler, I wouldn't call it "flying hairdo." Based on the expression on the witch's face, "electrocuted" or "terrified" are better descriptors.

I know cackling witches are an age-old stereotype, but this witch's face tells a different story. Her mouth doesn't seem to be cackling as much as frozen in a state of disbelief or stunned agony. What about those eyes? Those tormented eyes... her eyebrow depicts someone more exhausted or distressed than mischievous or hysterical.


Adding to my suspicion that this witch isn't merely flying around having a good time, as Ms. Cutler would like me to believe, is that one of her legs appears to be twisted awkwardly in the wrong direction. I doubt this is in error. As I show here on the left, if Ms. Cutler wanted the witch's legs to not be purposefully twisted out of shape, she could have easily chosen to do so.


Based on these observations, I can only assume the witch's black dress is concealing a horrific leg injury.

A final complaint I have, Ms. Cutler, is that your witch's costume is too simple. This coupled with the flaws I mentioned above makes it easy to turn this witch into a caricature of a 19th century Christian missionary meeting his fate in the bubbling cauldron of some previously undiscovered cannibal tribe.

"Flying harido," Ms. Cutler? For shame.

Larry

You may think this is a clever idea for putting everyone's names on their drinks during a Halloween party, but oh how wrong you are!

Before said party, prepare. Cleanse your body thoroughly. Remove all earthly impurities. Then draw and cut out a ghost shape from paper. Draw eyes and a round mouth. At the party, find that asshole Larry's drink and impale "Larry" right through the mouth. Message sent. Leave party. Back home, imagine Larry's reaction upon returning to find his drink. Cleanse yourself again.

To crank it up a notch, see below.

Miser Bags

These are Miser Bags, a down-and-dirty craft straight from the 1970s. I know what you're probably thinking, missy. "Those look an awful lot like... something useful that I want!" Well go for it! You'll probably like miser bags!

Nice Miser Bag!

Cut a 16" x 12" piece of material (preferably something latex-ey), fold in half lengthwise and sew the ends together. Then sew along the side, leaving a 3" opening in the middle. Watch Silence of the Lambs. Turn the sack right side out. Slip two poultry or small plastic rings over bag. To fill one end of bag, slide the rings to the other end. When full, slide rings over and fill other end. If it falls on the floor and gets lint and hair all over it, that's ok. Show others your miser bags. Your miser bags may be so impressive that they stare in disbelief!

Hold your miser bags whilst looking for treasure on hikes and field trips. Hang them from your belt or the off the side of your hat. Every miser bag is different, and they float in water!

Have a great, tar-blood year!

Ah, September! When children return to school a year older and wiser! Or, in the case of this young girl, scared shitless... and who could blame her? Her sterile, tree-less school is apparently one large room lined with windows and one lookout tower. There is no escape from school, children! See that black around the school? It's a hole. One more peep out of you and we'll send the entire precariously hanging building into the yawning abyss!
Have a Great Year!

St Patrick's Day Elf

Believe it or not, this is an elf. An elf made from cutting two cups from a paper-mache egg carton and making a head. An elf with pillars cut from the carton for a hat and a nose. An elf with hands and feet cut from the lid of the carton. An elf with a large spool for a body and yarn for hair. An elf painted green. An elf with paper eyes that were cut out and glued on. An elf with issues.
Happy St. Patick's Day.

Frog (for creepy adults)

Measure about 6 inches from the opening of a large paper bag, and cut around the entire bag. Set aside the cut section.

Cover one large side of the paper bag with construction paper, gluing it in place.

To make the frog and lily pad, draw and cut piecs from construction paper and glue them in
place.

Put the bag on your head. Using a crayon, have a friend carefully mark where the eyeholes should be on the outside of the bag. Remove the bag and cut out the eyeholes.

Stare at people passing by. Follow them home. Closely. Ask to help carry in their groceries.